The online dating profile comments I really cannot deal with


Yep, back on it. Nope, I’m not sure why either. It’s all positivity and optimism until you’ve scrolled through six Daves, four hotguy4Us and a million profiles that all seem to say the same thing. These are (paraphrased, I have better things to do than copy word for word) genuine lines that I’ve come across in just two days, and they seem all too common in dating app land. Someone save me, please…

‘I don’t like to talk about myself, I just like to get to know people and find out who they are.” That’s great Steve, but a little info would be helpful because we want to know you’re not a psychopath.

“I’m still finding out the boundaries of who I really am.” Umm, I can’t help you with that? Go travelling or do yoga or something, idgaf

“Hot, toned, rich, athletic male looking 4 sexy date.” Hello Modesty? Yeah, I’ve got someone I’d like you to meet.

“Looking for someone to be my partner in crime for plenty of adventures and escapades.” Oh shut up Ian this is not an Enid Blyton novel.

“I hope your not crazy.” I hope you’re not seriously unable to tell the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re’ but sometimes life is cruel, James.

“Books? I only really read Reddit.” Oh my god. Next.

“Please plan shoe shopping or whatever for when sport is on, it’ll make things easier.” Oh sure sweetie, shall I do your washing too and then have a pillow fight with my friends? *high pitched squeal*

“New to London and want someone to explore it with.” Maybe get a dog? Or a tour guide? I was just looking for a date…

“Looking for someone who just wants to meet rather than chat first.” Sure. That definitely sounds safe.


What I would tell my just-graduated, 22-year-old self

Recently, someone I had only just met asked me what my advice would be for getting through your twenties. As well as making me feel positively antique (yes OK I am over 30 now), it got me thinking – what the hell would I say to 22 year old me to make those years better?

In the conversation I was having, my focus was money (it was a work meeting after all). Take the trip. Take the risk. Get the credit card (sensibly). You will regret what you don’t do. That should be printed in every uni handbook, sent via email to every 20 year old wondering what to do next because it is the truest thing anyone will ever say. I have so many regrets, and almost every one is what I didn’t do.

So what would I say? I choose 22 because that was when I graduated from uni, spat out into the world with First Class Honours and barely a penny to my name, a freshly broken heart and zero plans other than ‘find internship’ since that seemed to be what everyone else was plotting. But if I could talk now to that anxious, lost 22 year old? This is what I’d say…

  1. Learn to be brave. Confidence and courage are things I’ve never had but perhaps if I’d started trying to find them earlier I’d be in a different place by now. You got a First! You live in London! You survived a flat share that almost broke you! You’ve got this.
  2. Get over it faster. It’ll take time, sure, but don’t let one person determine the rest of your twenties. Now’s the time to meet all those people you didn’t while you were at uni. Go on dates, the bad ones make great stories if nothing else.
  3. Talk to the doctor and don’t take no for an answer. You don’t have to live with constant worry. You do need to worry about that thing they’re brushing off as nothing. Just keep asking.
  4. You’re going to be poor for a while. No one can live on £10 a day (thanks, online internship), even if in 9 years you won’t believe how cheap your rent used to be (message from the future – it’s now almost double, soz). But once you’re not quite so poor, start saving. Everyone else is. Whether you spend it on the flat you desperately want or that trip to NYC one day, just save. And then once you can afford your rent and food? Get a credit card and use it – carefully – to do all those things that everyone else seems to magically be able to afford.
  5. See your family as much as you can. Open up to them. Spend real time with them. Appreciate them. Visit nan and grandad. Call your uncle every week. Be interested and listen. Realise that listening is so much more important than talking.
  6. Don’t watch Lost, at all, it is a proper waste of time. Damages, however, is excellent.
  7. The close friends you’ve always wanted are about to spring into your life. Don’t panic about the people who don’t make time for you anymore; everyone you need is right there in front of you.
  8. Do more. Learn Spanish. Play the piano. Read everything you can lay your hands on. Go to that weird fitness class. Drink tequila. Stay over at a friend’s even though you feel like the most awkward person to ever live. Visit that friend in Argentina (with that credit card I mentioned). You can make more money but you can never make more time.
  9. Know your worth at work. There are going to be bosses who tell you you’re nothing (yeah, to your face), who want to make you look and feel small, but that’s not about you. The one thing you’ve always been confident on is that when it comes to work, you do your best. Keep doing your best. It’s better to be good than to be popular.
  10. Twitter is going to change your life. Embrace it, but for god’s sake don’t write in text-speak. That shit will come back to haunt you via something called Timehop.
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